How Babygirl Fails BDSM and Why It Matters
Babygirl turned power play into a cringe-worthy masterclass in what not to do.
Hello, I’m Mistress Seren. I am a professional Dominatrix and BDSM Couples Coach. Welcome to my dark corner of Substack, where I pull back the veil on the world of kink. Here, you’ll find raw, unfiltered stories from the dungeon, expert insights on how to Dominate like a pro, and my thoughts on power, pain, and pleasure. You still want more? I know. You can visit my website or follow me on X and Instagram.
Babygirl had all the right factors to be the heated BDSM film we’ve been waiting for: an A-list cast and a plot perfectly set up for power play. On-screen, I witnessed a weak Dom and an unethical display of kink. I was left dry in my seat.
As a BDSM professional, I was appalled by the way kink and consent (or lack thereof) were portrayed in Babygirl. If anyone were to use this film as inspiration for building a BDSM dynamic, it would utterly fail.
The Premise
Babygirl, an erotic thriller written and directed by Halina Reijn, centers on Romy (Nicole Kidman), a successful CEO and married woman who enters a dominant-submissive affair with her young intern, Samuel (Harris Dickinson). The film promises a hot affair with intellectual mind games and edgy kink scenes. Unfortunately, it was neither erotic nor thrilling.
What this film did have was:
Messy boundaries
Basic BDSM play
A complete misunderstanding of consent
Scene Breakdowns (Spoiler Alert)
In the first scene where our characters cross the sexual threshold, Romy prostrates herself, and Samuel begins performing what one assumes to be intense penetration by finger/s. Romy repeatedly says she can’t do it, she doesn’t want to. “I’m going to pee. I don’t want to pee!” Samuel continues despite her distress, and she orgasms against her verbal will.
What could’ve been an exciting, deeply cathartic scene with consensual non-consent became an example of sexual coercion.
After their first hotel rendezvous, Romy and Samuel meet again at the office in a soundproof room. Romy resists continuing with Samuel, as her morals are tested professionally and personally. Instead of discussing consent or safe words (safe words make their grand premiere mid-film), her intern threatens to reveal their affair to enforce his new rules.
“If we're going to do this, we need to set some rules that you and I agree on, starting with, I tell you what to do, and you do it.” He then puts his hand up her skirt, and under pleasurable duress, she obediently responds, “I will do whatever you tell me to do.”
What’s Missing?
You have to have power to give it, and that is what’s missing here—Romy’s decision to consensually hand it over. An ethical Dominant will inspire submission. Samuel, who succeeds in telling dogs what to do, applies the same tactics and misses the nuance of dominating a human being.
Throughout the film, you watch Romy horrified and at the whim of her behavior, swinging back and forth between “Oh no, I couldn’t possibly do that” and “I can’t possibly resist.” It almost becomes comical if it weren’t for her helplessness.
All I wanted was Romy to be a good little brat for us. Instead of playfully resisting, Romy exudes an underlying note of distress, as if she isn’t entirely sure she wants what she’s signed up for.
Beyond verbal consent, there is the responsibility of the Dominant to listen to the body of their submissive. Consent isn’t just about a verbal yes, it’s about body language, tone, and expression. Romy may have nodded in agreement to something, but everything else about her body signaled “no.”
The Ethics of Kink on Film
Babygirl is a Blockbuster film that provokes a BDSM awakening among its audience. Yet, it does not include an essential aspect of BDSM, communication and trust. With BDSM play comes negotiation, check-ins, and aftercare. They are a package deal. Without the latter, play becomes nonconsensual BDSM, and what is nonconsensual BDSM in short? Abuse.
I know fictional films aren’t meant to be an education on BDSM and kink. Nor is pornography. After all, they are for entertainment. And Babygirl isn’t the first film we’ve seen fail to depict the lifestyle of BDSM. The list is long. However, when the movie does attempt to explain consent and safe words, it goes miserably wrong.
If you’re going to do it wrong, why do it at all?
What concerns me about a film like Babygirl is the potential of audiences walking away using the movie as a how-to in kink, when it is quite the opposite.
Finding a Real-World Dom, It’s Harder than You Think
In Romy’s most admirable moment, she retorts to a coworker's advance, “If I want to be humiliated, I’m gonna pay someone to do it.” Finally, a line I can get behind.
Putting this notion to the test, I wanted to see what finding a professional Dominant for myself would be like. Well, the short answer is, I already have one. As someone who’s navigated NYC’s range of kink parties and educational workshops, I am fortunate enough to have met someone I trust to entangle my body in rope.
But as a high-powered professional like Romy, who can’t ask her executive assistant to find a male Dominant, where could she find one? The answer gets more complex as I traverse the popular advertising sites for sex workers. Hundreds of Dominatrices show up, but not one male Dominant would fit Romy’s needs. (There were only six in the NYC area to begin with.) Navigating Feeld or FetLife is even more daunting with 1000s of profiles and self-proclaimed “Doms”. Unlike myself, someone like Romy wouldn’t have the time to explore the BDSM scene in person, nor know where to start if they wanted to.
The Real Cost of Misrepresentation
As I reflect on my harsh criticism of Babygirl and the hypothetical challenge of finding a male Dominant, it all comes back to the same theme that concerns me most: safety for women.
Why is it so difficult to play safely? That is my biggest problem with Babygirl. It is another poor example of BDSM that an audience new to kink may pass off as normal. If coercive sex is displayed in the media, it perpetuates a social system that says it’s okay.
Can Babygirl inspire its audience to explore their sexuality? Maybe. At best, viewers can walk away knowing submissive desires are normal. At worst, they will leave without any guidance on how to explore BDSM safely.
That's not milk in that glass... She needs the extra protein, if you know what I mean.